Lack of Interest in Sex
This is probably the most common sexual complaint, particularly among women, but recently, more and more men are presenting with this concern.
Our cultural narratives or stories often fail to address the natural variation in sexual interest, and promote a model that is not sustainable and simply unattainable for many people. There are many things that can have an effect on our inclination towards sex.
Whether you have never been particularly interested, there has been a change in sexual interest that you or your partner are concerned about or if you are having problems because you have a lower level of interest in sex than your partner and you need to find ways to manage it, sex therapy can help.
Through sex therapy, we can explore the positive and negative influences on your sexual interest and I can help you deepen your understanding of what might be causing your lack of interest in sex. I can help you identify whether you want to make changes and what they might be, at a pace that feels right for you.
The Help me Want Sex section has a range of quality products that may assist sexual functioning and pleasure.
Relationship Difficulties
Relationship difficulties have a range of causes and couples can benefit from seeing a relationship counsellor who can help them discuss and work on their differences in a safe, calm environment. Relationship issues commonly explored in my office include:
- Repetitive arguments that seem to solve nothing
- Inability to resolve issues
- Problems with families
- Feeling that as a couple you have drifted apart
- The discovery of an affair
- Lack of interest in sex or different preferences in sex
- Problems when sex happens
- Effects of a lack of time and energy to nurture the relationship
- Getting past tough times and escalating stress levels
- Disappointment at unmet expectations
- How to approach challenging life events / change with life stage transitions
- How to enrich your relationship
- Navigating non-monogamous relationships
Couple therapy can help you communicate more effectively with your partner, can improve your ability to see your partner’s perspective and can teach skills to resolve conflicts in a way that respects each person.
The Fun for Couples section has a range of quality products that may assist sexual functioning and pleasure.
I also help singles of any age; those who are seeking their first relationship, as well as people looking for a new relationship. Goals might include recovery and debrief after break-ups, preparation for someone new, and building a better sexual self-concept.
Self-Esteem Issues
Good self-esteem is crucial to a solid foundation as a person. Self esteem impacts the way we think and feel about ourselves in relation to others, and affects the way we interact, especially sexually. A low self-esteem can affect your sexual interest and sense of entitlement to pleasurable sex; it can block arousal and orgasm, and your ability to ask for what you need in sex and relationships.
Any age is a good age to challenge the multitude of causes of low self-esteem and sessions with me are tailored to each client’s individual needs. Sex therapy focuses on building self-esteem around sexual aspects, improving assertiveness and boosting your self-image in other aspects of your life.
Body Image
A negative body image can affect your sexual confidence, can inhibit arousal and can reduce your interest in and your ability to enjoy sex. Body image can change at different times and stages in life, or it can change suddenly, due to pregnancy, an illness or accident.
Many people are their own worst critics; they have eyes that magnify perceived faults, and they often end up feeling despondent that they can never measure up to a perfect ideal. They choose to live in a world where they believe that sex is reserved for the young, slim and beautiful.
Sex therapy can help you to challenge negative thoughts and perceptions about yourself and / or your partner to give you a more balanced outlook; it can help you recognize that it is just one aspect of how we feel about ourselves. By cultivating a gentler and more accepting relationship with your body, you can open up your sexual potential and improve your sexual confidence.
Lack of Sexual Confidence
Sexual confidence seems to come naturally to some people, but others struggle with feeling self-conscious, insecure and sexually incompetent their entire lives. Sexual confidence is not just about sex; it comes from liking and accepting yourself, feeling good about life, and from learning how to step into your sexual power.
Fear of rejection and fear of failure can stop people from being themselves, and can prevent them from experiencing high arousal in sex, which requires self-focus and a degree of healthy selfishness. Sexual confidence in women is not encouraged in many cultures, while men feel pressure to get things right with sex. People all genders can struggle with sexual confidence.
You can change and learn how to come out of your shell and increase your confidence at any age. Sex therapy can help you work on ways to feel more relaxed and secure in yourself; it can assist you to be a more authentic and engaged lover. Whether you need instruction in sexual techniques, to work through difficulties experienced when younger that have impacted on sexual confidence, or want to build a better, more confident self, I tailor my approach to suit your needs.
Managing Sexual Anxiety
You may have always had an anxious personality and been easily stressed by things, or might experience transient anxiety in certain situations like sex. Fearful thoughts can preoccupy, making it difficult to make space for arousing thoughts, and can create a negative anticipation of intimacy.
Some people find a certain amount of anxiety can enhance their sexual responsiveness and experience. We can work through performance anxiety with education and increased sexual knowledge, by learning ways of relaxing and relating, and by better understanding your anxiety patterns and improving your self-talk. If you worry about your sexual response (or lack thereof), we can explore how to improve your erotic focus and enhance your pleasure.
Sexual Identity / Sexual Orientation / Gender Identity Concerns
These terms are often used interchangeably but many people lack an understanding of their meaning.
One approach is to think about identity (how do you identify yourself in your own mind?), attraction (who are you attracted to?) and behaviour (who are you sexual with?). For many people, these three aspects are often on a continuum that may change over time, meaning there can be unlimited variations to a person’s sexuality.
With sexual orientation, many people think in terms of three possibilities: heterosexual (straight), homosexual (gay or lesbian), and bi-sexual, but Mother Nature just loves diversity. Sexual identity and orientation questions can arise at any stage in a person’s life, not just in adolescence or youth. As we live in a society filled with messages that promote the ‘normal’ way to be as being straight (hetero-normative), confusion in this area can be highly stressful.
Our society has also traditionally imposed very rigid definitions of gender; either male or female, but there are many amongst us who don’t feel they fit neatly into either category and who have suffered persecution and shame as a result.
In recent times, those who identify as transgender, non-binary, intersex and genderqueer have increasingly found a voice, with greater understanding of the continuum of gender by professionals in helping professions, and with popular media playing a pivotal role in educating the public with the sharing of people’s stories.
Through sex therapy, I listen with a non-judgemental, accepting and empathetic ear while we explore issues you are facing and assist you with determining options that will help you to be more authentic and less distressed.
Painful Sex
No matter how much they might love or desire their partner, both men and women can experience pain when they attempt intercourse.
In men, pain could be due to a hypersensitive penis, Peyronie’s Disease, an infection / inflammation in the prostate or a struggle with a tight foreskin.
The single biggest cause of sexual pain in women is having penetrative sex when they are not aroused enough or lack adequate lubrication. There are a number of sexual and medical problems that are described in the Common Sexual Problems in Women section.
Trans women can also have difficulties with on-going painful intercourse after gender-reassignment surgery.
I can help you explore what is causing your pain, and have a great network of experienced and sympathetic medical and allied health practitioners that I can refer to. If sex has been painful in the past, people are often tense and jumpy in anticipation of discomfort each time they attempt intimacy. Sex therapy can assist you to develop strategies to re-create a pleasurable sexual relationship with your partner.
The Ease my Pain section has a range of quality products that may assist sexual functioning and pleasure.
Reducing the impact of Illness or Disability
People with disability often complain of feeling sexually invisible, and many feel frustrated and excluded by the lack of acknowledgement of them as a sexual person, and with the lack of information and assistance that is available. I offer a sympathetic ear and can assist with practical and encouraging suggestions that can nurture your sexual side, as well as offering you resources that can assist your exploration.
Sex therapy can also help people manage the impact of health problems, surgery or acquired disability on themselves and their relationship. You or your partner may have concerns about how to approach sex, or fears about getting back to it. Sometimes people lose interest in sexuality or feel like less of a sexual person as a result of changes to their ability or appearance.
My nursing experience offers the perfect background to explore problems you may be having and to adapt by finding practical, sometimes innovative solutions together to overcome or manage your challenges.
The Fun for Disability section has a range of quality products and resources that may assist your sexual functioning and pleasure.
Sexuality and Ageing – Helping Seniors stay Sexual
Sexuality evolves over the life span, but many people are unaware of just how sexual functioning can change, or how to adapt to it. Health challenges combined with ignorance and negative cultural beliefs about sex as an older person can make it all seem too hard.
Sex therapy can explore these influences and together we can find practical, pleasurable solutions to your problems that can bring the closeness back to your relationship. With my nursing lens, we can look at ways to minimise the impact of ageing on your sexuality. You can reinvent your sexual relationship at any age.
For those who have lost a partner, or for singles contemplating dating again, it can be good to chat with a sex therapist about how it feels to be getting back out there. It can be helpful to start waking sexuality up in preparation, as it has often been dormant for some time.
The Fun for Seniors section has a range of quality products and resources that may assist your sexual functioning and pleasure.
Sex or porn addiction / Out Of Control Sexual Behaviour
I don’t usually work with clients who feel they might have a serious sex or porn addiction. Why? I feel that this is a specialist area that is beyond my expertise and training, at this point in time.
I have close colleagues who specialise in this area and would be happy to provide a referral to a trained and experienced practitioner if requested.
Sexual Trauma
I don’t usually work with clients who have experienced recent sexual trauma, such as sexual assault, sexual abuse or rape, or with people who are feeling highly distressed about past trauma. I feel that this is a specialist area that is beyond my expertise and training, at this point in time.
I am happy to refer you to a trained and experienced practitioner.
Acute Sexual Phobias / Acute Mental Health Conditions
Clients who have acute serious mental health conditions or severe sexual phobias are best receiving treatment for these issues with a registered psychologist / sex therapist prior to commencing sex therapy. I do not have training and expertise in treating acute mental health issues.
I am happy to refer you to an experienced practitioner to help you manage your condition and can then see you to help with sexual issues once you stabilise.
Atypical Sexual Practices and Lifestyles / BDSM and Kink Relationships
I am sex-positive, warm and kink-friendly, as well as accepting and interested in alternative choices in lifestyle and sexual expression. Contact me if you are looking for someone non-judgemental to discuss concerns, difficulties or challenges you may be having, or if you are worried about how you experience sexual pleasure.
People can often feel very isolated, and I can assist with information and resources to connect you with a range of communities. I can help if you want to explore how to live in polyamorous or open relationships, or how to navigate and negotiate swinging or kink arrangements. Sex therapy can also assist you with ways to expand your sexual scope, if this is a desired outcome.